It has been five months since I first started meditating. When I first started it was a very hard thing to get used to doing and I wondered if it really did anything. I was frustrated and found it very hard to focus because I had all sorts of thoughts racing through my head. It was like trying to control a raging tempest. Gradually I learned to focus, and to calm my mind.
I got into the routine of doing this several times a week in the evening and it really did help. For the last several weeks I have become somewhat lax in my practice and have lost the discipline that I had. I miss it. I had a period of stress today with some personal things going on and I thought about how much I miss the inner peace that I got when I did meditate on a regular basis. I hadn't realized what an effect it had on me until I stopped doing it.
The best way that I can describe it is that it feels comforting, first of all. When you meditate it feels like the world stops spinning for a brief period and you are allowed to catch your breath. It is just you, and your thoughts, and nothing else. It forces you to observe yourself with no distraction. You focus inward and sometimes what you see, or feel, can be scary, or sad, or happy. You never know what will surface until you focus, and then, out of nowhere, from somewhere deep down, things start to surface. Sometimes its stuff that you didn't even know that you were stressing over! After you get used to doing this on a regular basis, it becomes sort of a haven for you.
I guess my whole point to this blog entry is that I hadn't realized what a positive effect that mediation has had on my life, until it wasn't there. It's the sort of thing that creeps up on you, just when think nothing is happening, you realize that it was. It was just subtle.
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