26.5.11

The Wonkey Eye


The last couple of weeks have been a little strange and a little stressful.  The Friday before last David and I went to a garden center to look for a statue for his yard.  While there, I felt like I was getting a bad migraine and had some sharp pain above my right eye.  I didn't think much of it until we went to lunch and my eye just didnt feel right.  I looked into a mirror at the restaurant and noticed that my left pupil was blown and my right was constricted.  This put me into a bit of panic since working in healthcare gave me the knowledge that often times pupil changes can indicate all sorts of not so nice things like a stroke or a TIA.  I went through the weekend and it happened twice more.  Monday I went to the ER at St. Margaret where I work and was given two MRI scans which didnt show anything other than what the prior scan four years ago showed.  Weds. I went to the neurologist and to the eye doctor and was forced to have an MR angiogram of my carotid arteries to rule out a tear and also any kind of vascular malformation in my brain.  All came back normal.  The nuero thinks its all related to my horrible migraines (again!!!!).

Its been almost two weeks and I still have, what my coworkers have so aptly named "the wonkey eye".  It seems that the wonkey eye is not leaving anytime soon and neither is the sense of dizzyness that has returned.  I thought I was finally rid of it and boom, its back again and now it brought its friend the wonkey eye.  Whats next?  I am afraid to even think about it!

I am, more than anything, frustraited at being 38 years old and having to worry about getting from point A to point B and falling down.  It makes driving a chore and it also sucks very much when trying to work.  I think the most frustraiting thing is that no one seems to get it.  Migraines suck and most people (except  the people who are unlucky enough to have them) just think we are whining about a simple headache.  It is so much more that that!  Migraines affect your whole body.  The make you dizzy, sometimes sick to your stomach, your head feels like an ice pick has been driven into it, you sometimes get black spots in your vision, or sometimes you lose your vision, you get tingling in your arms and legs, and worst of a all, it affects how you concentrate and your short term memory.  Some days I feel like I have a hangover or like I am jet lagged and cant concentrate which makes it VERY hard to work in an OR type setting. I know that it drives the people around me crazy because they dont understand and they get sick of hearing about it.  I usually get the glazed over look or the change of subject. Some days I get depressed and tired of dealing with it and would give anything just to feel like normal again. I miss those days.  Sometimes I feel like people think that I am just making it up, or that I am crazy, or just wanting attention.  Some days I feel like no one understands and I feel alone and like no one cares.  It sucks and unfortunatly my options are few.  I can take drugs that have lovely side effects, or just deal with feeling mentally off and having ice pick pain several times a week. Had I known that my life would change forever four years ago when I woke up one morning feeling like the world was spinning I would have enjoyed every minute of it.  I miss being able to not worry about what the next suprise will be with my body or if I will be able to think clearly or be able to balance normally when I wake up the next day. 

Enough whining I guess....I am just tired of the four year fight with no end in sight......I know people cant fix it...I just want them to know that most days it takes a huge effort just to get through the day and most days I don't express it but some days I just get tired and it gets me down.  I dont enjoy feeling this way and I wouldnt wish it upon my worst enemy!




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