10.2.11

Forward....or is it?

Recently I feel as if my life has changed tremendously.  I think back to the not so distant past and remember thoughts of happiness. I remember traveling and enjoying life..seeing the world through fresh eyes.  At the time I appreciated every moment of it and now I appreciate it even more since I feel like that time in my life has all but vanished.  I remember hanging out with friends and trips to the ocean and thinking about how wonderful it was to be alive.  I have had my share of shit in my life but none of that seemed to matter.  I was still happy and I still appreciated everything. I don't when all of that started to slip away.  Now, I sort of feel numb inside.  Going through the daily motions but not really feeling anything other than a constant sense of panic.  I thought a lot tonight about things.  Things like when did my life change?  When did I lose my sense of wonder and appreciation for things?  I think about that old Cindy Lauper song called Who Let in the Rain.

For the first time in my life I thought about what it would have been like if I were straight and had a family surrounding me.  I think being gay is so damned hard sometimes.  I'm not saying that being straight is some sort of shangri la but I think that having a family to grow old with  would be nice.  When you are gay with no kids things are different.  Maybe its because I am close to turning 40 now that I have started thinking about what is going to happen to me as I age.  The thought of dying alone with no family scares me.  At least straight people have their children to rely on. 

I do not regret being gay.  I just think that relationships are much harder because there are no set rules. There is no marriage to bind us, just love, honesty and trust.  Somtimes having no rules gives us a great sense of freedom because we can make our own.  Other times it scares the shit out of me because gay relationships can change at the drop of a hat.  I think that a lot of gay people have relationship issues because they have been hurt so many times that they just give up.  It's easier to lock your heart away rather than get it crushed over and over.  Its easier to shove everyone away rather than get close and be vulnerable.  It makes me sad.

I am starting a new job next week.  I hope that I am making the right decision but still a sense of fear is there.  I need to do something rather than just continue bobbing along going with the status quo.  I want to use this time to feel better, reduce my stress level, and hopefully figure out what the hell I really want to do with my life. 



2 comments:

  1. Good points made... it is easier in the straight world... you give your heart to someone and you build a life with them and add kids and connections with family is stronger. In the gay life, everything is temporary... repeating itself every 3 or 4 years. It's not too late though... and you're doing the right thing trying other things.

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  2. Michael. I came across your page and followed your blog. You are not the only one who feels the way you do. We all struggle with things. I have come to the conclusion that everyone has baggage that holds them back and hurts them. It is how you deal with it that matters. Most become callus and spiteful, others run and hide, others try to be open and honest about this baggage.

    I am truly sorry you are hurting. I have nothing but compassion, empathy, and love for you, going through a similar time of pain.

    Sometimes it is really awesome to just cry when you are frustrated, angry, or tired. The song Mad World by Gary Jules always sets me off when I just need to bust loose and feel sad, even though I feel the need to show everyone I am the "Shiny Happy Person."

    Just remember... YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!

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