3.1.11

Time is Ticking

Well, it's finally here.  The end of my leave from work.  A large part of me is very anxious about it. Sunday I woke up feeling dizzy and foggy again and it, as usual, freaked me out a bit.  I am so tired of dealing with feeling like crap.  I am not sure if it's all anxiety related or if its from migraines.  No one can seem to tell me.  I have had every test known to modern science and still no answers.  I think I am anxious thinking about returning to all the chaos at work and having to try to function throughout the day while feeling like hell.  Its very trying and adds even more to my anxiety. 

I want to try to cling to the things that I have learned during my leave.  All that therapy has to have some sort of positive effect, or at least I hope that it will.  I thought that I was ready to tackle this but I am having some major doubts right now.  I am not quite sure what I am so terrified about.  I mean, I have done this job for the last ten years so its not like I don't have a clue as to what I am doing.  I feel  a sense of loss of freedom from stress. The last three months have been great for me in that aspect.  Not having constant job stress hanging over my head.  No call to keep me on edge constantly. No crazy schedule.  That has been very nice.  I am also going to miss all of the extra time spent with David.  It was nice to be with him so much and to feel so at ease and so cared about. I know that we will still see each other and that I am being silly but still, I feel a little sad.

I managed to get an appointment with a new neurologist today at the headache clinic at Presby and I was very impressed with her.  She is the first one who actually took the time to go over all of my prior history and who had a treatment plan that involved more than just stuffing me full of drugs with a zillion side effects.  I am anxious to see if it will make a difference.

I hope to stay focused and to continue to write and to meditate....I don't want to give those things up because they have been so helpful to me.  I only hope that I don't get swept up in all the work stress again and end up like before with no time to do anything. I have a few opportunities on the horizon and I really hope that they work out.  It may end up being less money but for me the peace of mind will be well worth it. It's a start anyway.

Thanks to everyone who has been following my blog.  I will try to continue to write although it may not be as frequently as before.  I will have much less free time now.

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