4.12.10

Change from Within



In case some of you aren't aware already, I have been off on a leave of absence since the middle of October.  I started having health issues and anxiety issues (and I am not afraid to admit it) a while back.  It was not an easy decision to make.  I felt a lot of guilt about doing this and leaving my coworkers to deal with the aftermath but I am glad that i did it.  It was time to finally deal with some things.  For almost three years now I have been dealing with vertigo and migraines that seem to ebb and flow.  I have gone through every test known to man and I am, quite frankly, sick of dealing with doctors.  I have been told everything from MS to Menieres disease and even have had anxiety and depression thrown in to the point that I started questioning myself.  The bottom line was and is that I felt like crap most days and it made it very difficult to function at work.  I don't think that many people realize what its like to have your world spin around you at any given time without warning.  To feel like your legs are going to give out in the middle of a parking lot while walking to your car.  It's scary.  In fact, it sucks because it takes away your sense of self reliance.

I have learned a lot while out on this leave and have a considerable amount of time to think about things. 

1. You quickly learn who your friends are during times like this.  Thank you for all of you who have been there and who have shown so much concern. 
2.  You quickly learn who your friends are NOT during times like this.  Without dwelling....I was a little taken aback by a few people.
3. It is ok to admit that you need help sometimes.
4. Therapy is a great thing although it still carries an unfortunate stigma.
5. Change has to happen from within. No one can fix you other than yourself.
7. Going to therapy to deal with anxiety is not an easy thing.  You have to face yourself and dive in deeply to a lot of  not so pretty issues from the past.
8 Doctors don't really have a clue sometimes.  It is all trial and error and sometimes you pay for their errors.
9. Life is too short to let a job drive you to the point of hating your life and the people that you care about.
10.  Sometimes small things seem like big things and sometimes the things that are really big go unnoticed.
11.  I am my biggest roadblock to change.
12.  When you least expect it, life has a funny way making paths cross at critical times.

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