Today, several people called me to ask me why I haven't written in my blog for a few days. I thought about it myself. I sat in my office for a while, on the floor, staring up at the candle sculpture with the large Buddha statue silhouetted by the flickering candle light, staring down at me intently from the shelf, and I felt empty. More empty than I have felt in quite a while. I sat and thought about what was going on in my head just as "Complicated Disaster" came on the stereo. Some days I feel like my life is a complicated disaster. I know that I am not alone, but some days is sure does feel like it.
The last few days have been rough for me. I haven't been paid for the leave that I took and my resources are stretched beyond thin and it has added a huge amount of stress for me. Dan has been in a terrible mood and I think we are feeding off from each other which is not good. Part of me feels like I made a huge mistake by even going on leave but the other part tells me that it was something that I needed to do. I needed to take care of me for once.
I think that the biggest thing for me right now is feeling like I am letting people down and letting myself down. I hate my job at UPMC, I can honestly say that, but feeling like a total loser with no money is not fun either. I feel like I am letting someone who I care a lot about down. I want them to be proud to be with me and right now I don't even feel proud of myself. I know that this situation wont last forever, this no money thing, but it is starting to feel that way. I want out. I want a new job more than anything. I want my life to be normal more than anything. I don't know when it became so complicated...actually I do....it was complicated before I even came into being.
I truly believe that some people are predestined to have a complicated life and I think that we are given that for a reason. As much as I have hated parts of my life I still wouldn't trade it in. My life has allowed me to be able to feel, to be able to be empathetic, to be fully awake. I look at others and sometimes I see empty shells. People who are dead on the inside. Unable to feel. Unable to experience love, or pain, or anything for that matter. People who have no compassion for anyone or anything. If having a complicated life is the only way for me to see life and to feel life then I am glad for it.
My yesterdays were burned by Phoenix fire
Yet in the death’s ash, embers of hope remain
New dreams given birth in despair
Covered with ash, I mourn what was
To remember what will be no more
Then like the Phoenix I’ll rise
With renewed passion glowing red, yellow, orange
Ash will give way to flame
Like the Phoenix I’ll soar again