10.12.10

How Kitty Got Her Groove Back

How I managed to get the nickname Kitty is beyond me.  Its a camp thing that seems to have stuck.  One day walking up the lane at camp David P. yelled "hey kitty, whats up?"  From that point forward, I was and probably will forever be known as Kitty. 

Yours truly has spent a whole lot of time during my leave to think about life, love, and my personal state of affairs.  In fact, I have thought and thought until I have become blue in the face thinking about it! Kitty lost her groove a while back and didn't realize it until recently.

I watched Sex and the City 2 tonight and it was sort of ironic because some of the story line sort of parallels a lot of the things that I have been thinking about in my own life.  Yes, I know it is a sappy chick flick but the whole series really did deal with a lot of  issues about life and love. 

One of the characters, Miranda,  was sick of her job and never having any time with her family and friends so she ends up leaving her job and making her life a priority.  Another character, Carrie, was married for two years and her husband decided that it would be great if they spent two nights a week away from each other.  She struggles to deal with this issue and asks herself,  is a relationship supposed to be 24/7 or is it ok to be alone for a while? 

It all felt very familiar.  Dealing with my job which, until recently. was sucking the very life force out of me.  Worrying about my relationship with David and what he meant by needing time to himself.  I, at first, felt like it was something that I was doing wrong, but then realized that it is not so abnormal after all.  People are different, and we all need different things.  When I am upset or sad, I need to be social and to surround myself by people who care.  Some people need the solitude to work though issues and, its ok.  It just took me a while to realize it. I feel more secure about things, and its nice to know that someone loves me that I can trust and not have to worry about. David cares about me for who I am, and I care about him for who he is. It's a great feeling.  Of course, I will still worry...its just my nature and my anxiety.  At least it all makes more sense to me now. I also think that its a function of me not feeling comfortable with myself.  When you are alone, you are the only person that you have to deal with.  If you are not happy with yourself it can be uncomfortable.  Looking in the mirror is the hardest thing for people to do sometimes. 

The show and the movies do a great job of showing what having great friends can really be like. To support each other and work through life and all of its ups and downs and questions together.  

I sometimes miss a lot of my old life. I used to have a lot of friends and would go out on the weekends and paint the town red, so to speak.  It was about being together and just having a great time.  Granted, several cocktails were usually consumed, but it was still more about the fun than the drinking.  It felt great to get dressed up, look good, and dance for hours on end without even getting tired because you were so caught up in the moment. I miss hopping into the car and driving to somewhere for a weekend just on a whim.  No plans, just get in the car, point it toward a city and GO. I remember driving all night once to Baltimore and seeing the sun come up when we got there.  It was so much fun and we didn't care! I also remember a lot of great times with my friend Helen in Baltimore.  Going to Champagne Tonys and having cocktails or hanging out at the Hilton downtown and just listening to music and again more champagne!  Impromptu trips to the beach, fabulous dinners, trips to the BMA....this is the stuff I miss.  Life seemed like it was so much more fun and so much more focused back then.  I am not sure when it all started to change.  When did I become like some old couch potato afraid to even go out at night?  Don't get me wrong, I am all about cuddling under a blanket on the couch with my sweetie and I do love it....but I just feel like my flame, deep down, has gone out.  My drive, my zest for life, my joi de vivre, has changed. 

I have been pretty miserable in my job for quite some time now, and I think that has a lot to do with it.  Never being able to get job stress out of my head.  My life turned into living for UPMCwasnt even living in Miami at the time. I went down with a positive attitude, with an I am not leaving until I get what I want attitude, and it worked!  I want that old person back.  I want the old me back, the person who used to be so positive, and who loved having friends around and felt happy to feel so alive. 

I have spent so much time focusing on the negatives.  About how my job sucks, and how I feel so trapped and alone.  I need to pick myself up, get the old Michael back, and do something! Its time for a change.  I am very happy to have my close friends and David in my life.  He has made me think about so much stuff and made me feel like a good person, one worth caring about ....and I haven't felt that way in such a very long time. Isnt it funny how life works?  How paths cross at certain times for certain reasons.

I want to work on focusing my energy to making changes in my life rather than convincing myself that life is static and will never change.  Kitty is starting to get her groove back!

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